I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For: How U2 Helped Me Stop Pretending

By LONNIE KING

It started as just a casual conversation at work.

Someone mentioned U2. We were talking about iconic bands, and I nodded and said, “Yeah, they had some good songs.”

There was no need to elaborate on my deep feelings about the band in the middle of that conversation. And that is truly how I thought of them for years—just another prominent voice from the background soundtrack of the ’80s.

But it wasn’t until much later—until I began my own unraveling, questioning, and rethinking of faith—that I really heard them.

Especially one song.  And, especially one verse of that song.

“I have spoke with the tongue of angels / I have held the hand of the devil / It was warm in the night / I was cold as a stone.”

When I first listened closely to those lyrics, it was like someone had pulled the words straight out of my soul.

Because I knew what it was to try to be holy, to try to say the right things, to be “spiritual” in all the approved ways. And I knew what it was to wrestle with the darker parts of myself—the contradictions, the doubts, the quiet temptations and silent regrets. I knew what it was to feel warm on the outside and cold on the inside. Still do, sometimes.

And yet for most of my life, I lived in a religious atmosphere that had no place for that kind of confession.

Admitting that you hadn’t “found it” yet—whatever “it” was—was often seen as absence of faith or rebellion. Or worse, as failure.

But U2 didn’t present that search as a crisis. They presented it as a song.

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A Soundtrack for the Spiritually Restless

When I finally took time to learn more about U2—about Bono’s faith, his activism, his contradictions—I didn’t see a man who had left the faith. I saw someone who had been willing to carry it into the fire.

He believed in Jesus. He just didn’t always believe in the structures and systems that claimed to represent him. That felt familiar. That felt real. That felt like me.

I know Bono can be a polarizing figure. He blurs the lines between rock star, preacher, and political diplomat. To some, he’s the embodiment of using celebrity for good—deeply spiritual, globally conscious, and artistically bold. Count me in that camp.

But to others, he’s the epitome of celebrity hubris—preachy, performative, and out of touch. Look no further than the South Park episode “More Crap,” where he’s literally portrayed as a piece of shit. Crude? Yes. But also proof that even satire can’t ignore the tension he provokes.

Still, part of what makes Bono so polarizing is that he actually does things—he puts himself out there, mixing art, faith, and activism on a global stage. And for me, even with the imperfections, that’s part of what makes him worth listening to.

And this song—“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”—somehow gave me permission to tell the truth.  Not just about doubt, but about desire.  About longing.  About not being done yet.

“I believe in the Kingdom Come / Then all the colors will bleed into one…”

The song doesn’t wrap up neatly. It ends in the tension. It admits the ongoing ache. And in doing so, it offers something that sermons and slogans often don’t:

Room to breathe. Room to question. Room to hope.

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Wandering Isn’t the Same as Lost

The more I’ve sat with this song, the more I’ve come to believe something I couldn’t have said out loud back then:

Maybe Jesus actually wants his followers to feel the tension of that verse. Maybe that kind of honesty is more spiritual than pretending.

Because I’ve met people who claim to have “found it”—and if what they’ve found is certainty without compassion, clarity without humility, I’m not so sure I want it.

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.  And that’s no longer a crisis of faith. That’s the expression of it.

Grace and grit to you! — LK